Through the next few minutes, her face changed from mind-state to mind-state. For a few moments, she would be in the grip of a painful recollection, her face contorted in near anguish, then it would clear and she would hide her face in the shoulder of a friend seeking to wrestle and bite him, then once again she would stare of into space or be caught in rapt attention over a minor detail.

She must have been in her early twenties and her conversation matched her age but she seemed much younger emotionally. It was as if she’d never learnt to control her features or her behaviour – or as if the forces within her were stronger than she could bear.

Watching her was like watching an extreme representation of my own turbulent mind on days when i am over-wrought and over-sensitive.

I finally gave up somewhere towards the end of the course and allowed my eyes to open, my body to fidget as much as it wanted and my eyes to wander around the room at will. This meant that I no longer fell asleep but also that I didnt really concentrate on anything.

To my surprise, I found instead that I became very sensitive about what was happening in my mind itself, the thoughts as they started to come up, the origins of any bodily sensations I had and also the emotional currents within myself. A couple of times, I felt closer to the workings of my mind and more interested in it than I ever had.

There’s an experience I have in concentration meditation where at some point my breath becomes real, I experience it in a greater depth than I can usually. I found this to be the case with my mind, especially my emotions. So, I’ve decided to do this in my daily practice. Sit with my eyes open facing a wall, try not to fall asleep, let myself fidget to a certain degree and pay attention to what is actually happening internally.

To my surprise, I’ve also found that the visualisation of Green Tara and the Blue Medicine Buddha to be really effective in developing compassion. Even the mantras proved to be useful in assisting me to concentrate. By visualising people that I am close to with those archetypes invoked in assisting them, I’ve been able to generate feelings of concern, care and gratitude that have lightened my days in many ways. I didnt think I was that emotionally closed off but the last few months, I’ve been getting more and more lost in my head – especially being so far from the people I love at home. Anyway, it has been good finding myself again.

The “introduction to buddhism” title is misleading. Tushita is part of the Foundation for the Preservation of Mahayana Tradition and its course reflects its position. Dont expect to get an impartial overview of Buddhism, its history, its various traditions or even the various different schools within Tibetan buddhism itself. Dont expect to find out much about monastic life and tradition with Tibetan buddhism or even a history of Tibetan buddhism.

If you are interested in all of that, I recommend reading a good book for example one by Powers “An introduction to Tibetan buddhism” – it’s objective, concise and illuminating.

The teachings sections of the course is pretty much from the Lam-Rim, a central Gelugpa text and it doesnt waver from that. You’ll find out a lot about suffering, precious human rebirth, karma, the six realms, the importance of compassion and a little about emptiness. To my surprise  there was nothing about Dependent Origination.

The material is presented uncritically and with a great deal of unquestioning faith and devotion, something that takes a little getting used. As a result the material, in spite of the frequent assurances of its presenter that no-one is out to convert anybody, comes across as an extensive and comprehensive attempt to convert its listeners. This could be because the Lam-Rin was written originally for Tibetans (in the 15th century) with a focus on practice by devotees. As a result, I’m not entirely sure how suitable it is for the (hyper)critical western mind.

The meditation sections of the course was by far the strongest. The plethora of meditation techniques given, the various guided meditation sections and the different visualisations provided ranged from being interesting to challenging to surprising emotionally moving. I’d known that the Mahayana tradition is highly emotionally intelligent and adept at generating compassion but I’d no idea how much until I experienced it myself. My previous meditation retreats have been very much in the Theravada traditions and they were very much concentration focussed. Very good for the mind, not so much for the heart.

I came out of this course feeling more emotionally raw and sensitive to my emotional self than I’d been in a long time and have adopted some of the techniques in my own daily practice. I’ll write about how my daily practice has changed in another post.

The two together make a potent mix for converting meditators, especially if they are beginners and have an experience. This is even more true within a retreat environment which is generally peaceful and protected from the stresses of the outside world, where participants are encouraged to not speak with each other (thus permitting the teacher’s direct and exclusive access to one’s mind without the need to contend with doubts sowed by others).

I dont actually think this is a bad thing per se, I am a buddhist after all. But I’m not sure how many people who go to retreats are aware of what they are putting themselves through, how vulnerable they can become during the retreat and how the meditative experiences can have different interpretations outside of that presented by the teachers. The buddhist meme is a powerful one and can cause you to question if not change the way you look at your life, the relations you have with your friends and family, your very value set. It can cause distress to yourself and to many people.

Keeping in mind the right action and right speech precepts, I think that a warning is justified. Unfortunately, I havent seen them at many meditation retreats, perhaps for good reason. After all, it could come across like a “beware of brainwashing” sign if it isnt couched properly. Or maybe the fact that it is a buddhist meditation retreat says it all?

It turned out that the first event was to make one day vows just for the duration of the day. The Tibetans believe that any merit accumulated during this special day is multiplied by a million times so taking the 8 precepts for the day has a special force as would any other merit accumulating activity. Following that, there was a ritual that involved full-length prostrations to 35 Buddhas.

Thing is, I dont believe in merit and I dont particularly feel comfortable doing prostrations. Nonetheless, i uttered the precepts (thinking more about the theravada versions of them) and I did the prostrations because I’d been thinking that I should examine my own attitudes especially wrt my pride about prostrations. And it wasnt bad at all, in fact, as I did them, I realised that i didnt really need to believe in any of it or to change any of my own believes to show respect to this particular buddhist tradition.

Afterwards, I walked down to the main temple. As expected, it was full of Tibetans taking advantage of the merit multiplier effect and the monks were busy accepting donations. The main temple has also got a path that circles outside and around it through the pine forest. It is customary for Tibetans to walk on that path as well and on this day, some would be doing full-length prostrations all the way around the circuit – roughly two kilometers. I’d been on the path before and it was a pleasant quite walk with a temple and some stupas in the middle.

Today, I discovered that the path was lined with beggers. I’ve been in town long enough to recognise the local beggars and to know how many there are in town. There were probably fifty to a hundred times more beggars in town for the day. They had come because on this day, more Tibetans give to beggars and they give more generously. Hence, beggars from the surrounding regions flock into town. The merit multiplier effect at work again. It was a wet and miserable day but it didnt deter either the Tibetans or the beggars. There were entire beggar families there and some of the men and women had what appeared to be severely wounded hands which they brandished in hopes of getting more money. The wounds on casual inspection looked genuine enough and I hoped that they were not self-inflicted.

I went back to Tushita in the afternoon to attend the Shakyamuni Buddha Puja, the prayers offerings to the historic Buddha. It was scheduled to last for 2.5 hours. I’d been to many chanting pujas since I got into town but they had all been in Tibetan and I had no idea what they were chanting. I knew that the pujas were elaborate and took a lot of time to memorise and perform correctly. The content surprised me somewhat. It seemed in the main to consist of visualising a jewel bedecked palace, summoning the buddha (and other deities) into it and then offering precious materials of various types to these personages.

There were some verses that went through the jataka tales of the Buddha’s previous lifes and also the main events of his actual life. And there was the usual offering of any merit gained for the salvations of all beings. But the thing that struck me most and is still with me is the visualised offerings of perfumes, jewels, parasols, silk clothes and banners to the Buddha. I dont understand it and doubt I ever will but the people chanting it seemed happy enough and I guess that’s what matters most.

I wasnt quite as successful with my metta meditation afterwards, finding myself drifting away quite often but it didnt stop me from having a peaceful morning. Encouraged by my unusually quiet heart, I attempted to practice more metta while sitting at a roadside cobbler, waiting for my sandals to be fixed.

As people passed by, i tried to project metta to them, to see their good qualities, to look for kindness in their faces and to accept any negativity i might detect as both symptoms of dukkha and as signs of my own projections of negativity onto others.

As I did this, in an attempt to not put myself above the people I was looking at and to stop pride from growing in myself, I tried also to project metta inwards, to see myself as a subject both needing and deserving of metta, as someone no different from those who passed me by. Usually, I have great difficulty in summoning metta for myself but today, i found that feeling metta for others made it easier for myself and that in turn made it easier to open my heart further.

It wasnt difficult, but it was also not easy. Avoiding the warm superior glow of pride, of self-elevation was tough and still is. Still I got a couple of gentle smiles from some of those who walked by especially from the few children so maybe I wasnt too far wrong.

My morning’s meditation session had gone pretty well however. I’d sat for fifteen minutes and managed to keep focus not only on my breath but also on the state of watching my breath. An awareness not so much of awareness but my physical state – how it feels to be aware. Having decided to end the session once I became aware of drifting into dream-states too frequently actually made a difference to the level of my focus. So, shorter sessions from now on!

I tried meditating but was too distracted. On a whim, i started chanting ‘om nani padme hum’ softly under my breath, following the style of the chanters which was to draw a deep breath and in a long controlled out breath chant the mantra very quickly many times so that the sylables run in together. The beginning ‘om’ in fact continues as a bass vibration through the breath with ‘manipadme’ surfacing above it.

I found to my surprise that as soon as i began to chant, the white noise of the other chanters resolved into clarity. Amongst the hundreds, i could hear those voices which coincided in timing to mine. I could feel the vibration of countless ‘om’s resonating in my chest. And the voices of my fellow reciters had momentum, had force. As i continued reciting, the mantra that issued from my lips stopped being mine, slipped out of my control and became sure and confident, fast and assured. I was a small part of a chorus. As soon as i paused to take breath, the chorus receded but it always returned when i resumed.

Sustained by the group, time passed quickly and i was almost disappointed when the monks started their prayer chants again over the PA drowning out the mani-reciters.

The monks and nuns formed an inner square that extended out from the main hall while the devotees sat on quite comfortable cushions that covered the verandah outside. I got there just as breakfast was being served. Monks were pouring out butter tea (BYO cup) and passiing out flat discs of tibetan bread. The chanting of prayers started soon after that.

The atmosphere was informal and relaxed. People young and old circumabulated the two halls, people counted their prayer beads, people chanted along with the monks. I got the feeliing that many of the older people there especially the women in their traditional tibetan dress were there for the day and would be there every day until the month was over.

I stayed for an hour and a half, alternating between meditating and walking around the halls. I cant say I got very deep in my meditation but sitting there with the sounds of ‘om mani padme hum’ floating up around me, I felt happy and contented. Even though i was a stranger to their traditions and their belief,  I felt connected to what was happening. A lot of it was because while i could see that the people around me saw me as a tourist, my presence there was accepted and unremarkable.

So I sat there occasionally looking at the crowd, at the child monks, at the old ladies counting their beads, at the old monk asleep in an impossibly contorted position, at the very fashionable young women circumabulating a little self-consciously, at the assorted portable prayer wheels. I sat there and was happy.